could it be true? nothing good lasts forever, if anything at all.

As I grow older I realise that there is less and less to look forward to, to be happy about in life. Any happiness is so short lived. If any at all.

How can I go through this day by day and want to bring more of us suffering souls into this world? Everyday more and more I know I do NOT want to have kids. Why? Because I see nothing good in this world that they could enjoy, that could make them truly happy. And I think it would be selfish of me to bring children into this world. I’m sorry – but that is really, really how I feel.

On My Own

ive always felt that I was on my own in solving my problems and dealing with my burdens. I dont know how long I can do this on my own anymore. Truth is – i’m tired. Tired of struggling, tired of dealing with everything by myself. Life is only getting harder. This is a call for help. Can someone pay my school fees of 1.6 K, do my assignment due in 4 days, do my work that’s only piling up at the office and causing me to be scolded everyday, and help me get a new job please?

Crossroads

i could never relate. When other people (usually older) than me lamented that they were at the crossroads of life. I thought they were being all drama, or going through some sort of mid-life crisis.

But it had happened to me. And I too went through the sheer pain of not knowing whether to take the left or right road. It nearly killed me - the dilema, the confusion, the agony, the complete feeling of being lost and most of all, afraid. FEAR. I don’t know how it started, why it started – why me, I certainly never asked at that point in time to have to make a decision that would cause my life to change completely. It hit me like a bolt of lightning. But I had to deal with it, and I needed to face it.

I don’t expect anyone at all, to understand how I have felt then, or how I am feeling now or why I took the road I did. But whatever the case, everything happens for a reason – I can’t wear my heart on my sleeve at this juncture, I can’t pour everything out on this blog. But I am going to say – that there are beautifully precious and excruciatingly special moments in life that can never be erased, they can never be forgotten or removed from the heart - no matter what anyone says.

Life rarely goes the way we plan it – or the way we want it to. All my life I had to do things the hard way, learn the hard way – nothing came easy.

Be positive where possible- look ahead, push forward - be thankful- life has to go on, is what I will tell myself. Because it has to. This is going to be an extremely tough week at work, I’m going to be working late almost every night. Hang on, I worked late most of last week too. By the time I come home after work.. I barely have energy for dinner or anything else.

Let me get through this, give it 12 months on my resume – and then move elsewhere. But while I’m here, I better make the most of it, else I’ll just be wasting more of my time. And – i may just have to retake a module, which mean I need to pull about 1.5K out of a hat somewhere. Shit. It’s 1.45 am – and I’m not sleepy.

Keep Breathing

this is really harder than i thought it would be

fuck i’m not going to hide anything

if it hurts i’ll say it hurts

if i’m in pain i’ll say i’m in pain

just have to focus on breathing first. One breath after the next.

God give me the strength to face this and to see through this. I really wouldn’t wish this upon anyone.

i asked for it, now i have to bear with it.

melancholic.

the exam will be in 10 hours and here i am, sitting here feeling so empty and listless. I don’t have it in me to study anymore. Yet i’m forcing myself to read the words. But i can’t force myself to absorb any information. i’m not sure if anything has been retained. I dont really know what im doing. I just know that if i don’t pass these two exams i’m going to be in deeper shit than i already am. it’s easy to say to myself just give it my best shot and put in all ive got. unfortunately there’s just nothing left in me to press on. and yet. sigh. some one up there needs to cut me some slack. or something. Just let me pass, i don’t care what grade i get.

ugh.

‘It’s like getting children to eat their greens’

That’s a big part of my mission – I don’t mean it literally of course, that’s just an analogy. I’m glad that I’m not working with like money, money and more money. My vision for myself for the next 3 months is to learn FAST, be positive and settle into the new work environment well, do my job really well, and keep ‘myself’ intact. That’s why I’m glad I’m working on the online aspect of things- cos I’m able to keep more grounded and not morph into some materialistic, uninteresting.. ‘product’ of the banking industry as plenty have become. 

My first day of work started off with me forgetting where the department is. I went to the correct floor at first, but because I didn’t recognise the outside, I was worried I went to the wrong floor and proceeded to travel to 2 other floors until i decided I was correct at the veryu beginning. And prideful me didn’t want to call my new boss and tell her i forgot where my own department was. Anyway I found it in the end.

Everything was so refreshing. The way things are run, the people are nice enough – so far. They work hard but at the same time they’re fun. Sitting at my new desk I felt strangely comfortable, at home. Some parts were daunting or course, I’m not superman. There’s plenty of terminology and jargon that I need to learn quickly. But I felt I was ready to pick up and run with the projects – and excited at getting started. There are so many outlets for my ideas and creative juices. Which I will embark on tomorrow. While I dread the burdens that come with work, worrying about projects and all, I know I will truly become a proper marketer here and I have much to prove to the people around me. Those of us who are younger than most people around us at work because we started working younger have to work doubly hard to earn respect, and to show that we are every bit as good as them and age is no issue.

Here’s to all of us with new careers – may we thrive and be happy and successfull – so that we may retire earlier!! wahaha.

Tomorrow’s a new day. I’m going to start reading my textbook for my exams in June but it just means that within 15 minutes, my head will be in between the pages If you know what I mean.

 

 

My Wishlist

Here’s what’s on my wishlist next month:

- T’estimo Eyeshadow Palette $58

- Yves Saint Laurent Make-Up Base $58

- A good moisturiser (about 50?)

Total investment – About $150! I’m really getting the make-up base for sure though!

Can Will Ferrell please make another movie fast?

Boy, am I dreading work tomorrow. After being on MC two days last week, it’s hard to get back in the swing of things. Ihave so many things happening this week again – just like last week’s craziness. And it didn’t help that I was sleep-deprived and sick. This week I have to struggle with my monster of an assignment with which I am damn lost (it’s due on Tuesday, this Tuesday) and then another meeting with a roomful of company heads in which I just know I have to present just about 70% of the presentation. And after my assignment is handed in I have to throw myself into planning my sister’s wedding. And then there’s this new module that’s just started with a new school that I have yet to adjust to. Yeah, the lecturer’s style is rather.. unconventional.. (read: vulgar and crude ) Apart from .. that, he does manage to get his message across, especially to those who are savvy in Hokkien phrases.

And then this job hunt thing has been fruitless so far! Oh life is so BLAH right now :( It’s burdens and worries and such short-lived moments of happiness. Ugh.

Fingers Crossed!

Very pleased with the 3 CDs i bought indeed. Nothing picks me up more than a good investment in music. Went to see our new place today, thank goodness there weren’t any unpleasant surprises.. looks like we’re scheduled to move in in April. I would like to have a housewarming something or other but I’ll have to think about it carefully.. my parents are always at home so .. it might have to be a really open and casual one… we’ll see.

I picked my room and i’m really excited to start decorating it. Already starting to think about colours schemes, curtains and other furnishings. I love prettying things up! I really should be getting on with my assignment.. but there are too many things to think about! Lots of new things it seems, in 2008. Something tells me the year is gonna be fast again, 2006 and 2007 just whizzed past. Once I earn more money I’ll do something about gym I promise. I just need to wrench myself from this dastardly underpaid situation I’m in. I’m not doing justice to myself and my efforts man. Please, please, please let me have some good news next week.. please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please.

Next week at work is going to be dreadful.. there’s this hugee presenation I need to prepare .. it’s very tedious and alot of work. And the week after I have to present at some company awards ‘contest’ thing, SIGH. I’m so tired, when can i ever be the lazy one? When can i ever catch a break? Why do i always have to do extra? I’m very tired you know.

oops. this wasn’t meant to be a whining entry. Ok i’ll turn it around.. my aspirations for 2008 are:

- Have a nice new home and bedroom

- Have my desired job and desired renumeration!!

- Graduate finally!!!

- Be healthy, exercise! 

Not too much to ask right?

Reminisence

Crowded House – When I Fall At Your Feet

 Im really close tonight
And I feel like Im moving inside her
Lying in the dark
And I think that Im beginning to know her
Let it go
Ill be there when you call

And whenever I fall at your feet
You let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

Youre hiding from me now
Theres something in the way that youre talking
Words dont sound right
But I hear them all moving inside you, go
Ill be waiting when you call

Hey and whenever I fall at your feet
Wont you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And Im more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead
I fall

Whenever I fall at your feet
Would you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I fall, ever I fall

##

If there’s one thing I appreciate about my room it’s that at year-end I get to enjoy a very cool draft from my window at night. Especially now, it helps to bring back the feeling of Melbourne. I keep thinking how much I enjoyed that holiday and how it must have been Melbourne that I liked. But then again, I can’t quite decide if it’s Melbourne I really liked, or simply the escapism.

I’m sure it’s both. Give me within a year to recoup my losses and save up again, I’d go to Melbourne again in a heartbeat. Especially since we’d know better where to go and where not to go, and where we know we want to go that we had to give a miss due to lack of funds.

Just give me natural air temperatures of 15 – 22 degrees and I’ll be the happiest camper ever. I realise its this cool, crisp feeling on my skin and on my face that makes me feel really happy and relaxed. It’s what I liked about spring in Japan, winter in Cairns and the early part of summer in Melbourne.

Well now that the festive holidays are over, and 2008 has finally arrived. It’s time to put the laziness aside and get serious. I have a 5,000 word report that’s due in 20 days. And following that in mid February I have an exam to sit for. It is indeed back to the books, and the beginning work assignments too.

I’ve played enough I suppose, I’ve certainly spent enough in Melbourne – though I’ll say this in truth, I don’t regret spending a single cent. Ok yes, just one occasion when I spent $AUD17.50 on still water during one of our fine dining nights. Ouch.

Time to get started on my contents page. Happy New Year to all, may it be a meaningful and memorable year and may all your resolutions and wishes materialise.