Crossroads

i could never relate. When other people (usually older) than me lamented that they were at the crossroads of life. I thought they were being all drama, or going through some sort of mid-life crisis.

But it had happened to me. And I too went through the sheer pain of not knowing whether to take the left or right road. It nearly killed me - the dilema, the confusion, the agony, the complete feeling of being lost and most of all, afraid. FEAR. I don’t know how it started, why it started – why me, I certainly never asked at that point in time to have to make a decision that would cause my life to change completely. It hit me like a bolt of lightning. But I had to deal with it, and I needed to face it.

I don’t expect anyone at all, to understand how I have felt then, or how I am feeling now or why I took the road I did. But whatever the case, everything happens for a reason – I can’t wear my heart on my sleeve at this juncture, I can’t pour everything out on this blog. But I am going to say – that there are beautifully precious and excruciatingly special moments in life that can never be erased, they can never be forgotten or removed from the heart - no matter what anyone says.

Life rarely goes the way we plan it – or the way we want it to. All my life I had to do things the hard way, learn the hard way – nothing came easy.

Be positive where possible- look ahead, push forward - be thankful- life has to go on, is what I will tell myself. Because it has to. This is going to be an extremely tough week at work, I’m going to be working late almost every night. Hang on, I worked late most of last week too. By the time I come home after work.. I barely have energy for dinner or anything else.

Let me get through this, give it 12 months on my resume – and then move elsewhere. But while I’m here, I better make the most of it, else I’ll just be wasting more of my time. And – i may just have to retake a module, which mean I need to pull about 1.5K out of a hat somewhere. Shit. It’s 1.45 am – and I’m not sleepy.